Why I haven't been posting

The reason is because...I am trying to organize my blogs. I had different blogs for knitting, life, and other stuff. when the blogger finally had label, it was great hope for me to not have to ma intent different blogs for the sake of organization. However, i am still trying to figure out how to move the posts from the other blogs to the main one. And because I haven't been able to do that, I am reluctant to blog more because i don't want the new posts be separated from the previous ones that I am not able to move to the main blog.

*sigh* Does all these make sense? Am I the only person that has this problem?

Looked at the tv

I know we need to cut down tv watching because the baby looked at the tv during his quite time today. His "quite time" consist of him eating his own hand and thinking deeply. He was lying on me and then he looked at the direction of the tv (because he sees me looking at it all the time!)

His first laugh

Noel heard the baby's first laugh on 4/11/07. He hasn't repeat it much, probably only once more, but it was worth noting. He's been smiling for a while now (which means a week or two) but laughing that was first.

First Two Weeks with the Baby

The first week or two seem like a blur. They also felt like forever. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.

I put so much pressure on myself on the things that should happen in order to be a good mother. Everybody's encouraging words promises that the full milk will come in and when it doesn't it's very frustrating and upsetting. My mind just kept on spinning trying to find out why isn't the milk coming. I try to drink and eat everything that anybody says would help the milk and still the milk just trickles in slowly at plus or minus few cc.

I feel bad that I did not have the decipline to always do pumping after breastfeeding the baby. So instead of doing breastfeed/supplementing/pumping, I decided doing all three isn't something I can manage by myself without someone else's help. So we just did pumping/bottle feed breast milk and formula. But then I started to dread pumping. It's not enjoyable at all. This thought seem selfish but I must enjoy feed and interact with the baby then pumping. Some people says the fact that the baby's eating is the most important thing and having a happy mother is more important then having breast milk. I am sure the La Leche League people disagree.

Eventually I told myself and other that I just accept that I am not able to produce more milk for the baby. However, I do question myself if that's true since each time I breastfeed it's kind of like a little failure notice for me. I am not doing the pumping I should after breastfeeding to incrase the milk supply and in fact I am not putting the baby to breast as long as all say I should to stimulate it either. But I am starting to like the philosophy that why shouldn't I do things I enjoy?

I am still trying to drink lots of liquid and I have to admist that I haven't been takeing the fenugreek as religiously. I think part of me was toying with the idea of stop the whole milk production thing cuz each time it's like a failure reminder. Also the whole breast hurting thing was starting to get annoying. The nipples feel sort after feeding and if not fed enough the breast gets full and uncomfortable (like through out the night when I don't breastfeed).

I think right now I do not mind a bit of hurt to get the baby the bit of breastmilk I can produce. It does have some good stuff for him and as long as I think of it as a good appetizer, I think I can do it. The cracked right nipple doesn't help though... And that baby falls asleep because he can't get much milk out of it doesn't help either....I wish he would suck harder and make more milk...

This whole parenting thing is so hard....Plus it's like Noel said, this doesn't feel real yet. It might not feel real until they are 18. This feels like we are baby sitting. Just facing one day at the time.

I miss the single life I had in New York...I miss it so much...

But I do love him. I just wish I know how to help him with his discomfort better. I just wish I knew him better. I am a bit scared of him. I don't know him as well as Noel. Noel's great with him. But Noel has to go back to work.

Baby's first doctor check and

The baby is gaining weight nicely, even though I am not producing enough milk to satisfy him or meet his needs. He weighted 7lb 11 oz at the doctor. Three lbs more then his birth weight.

Still trying to find a balance feeding him at home. I decided that I couldn't do pumping anymore. I just dread it too much. I can still breastfeed him and follow by bottle feeding. This might decrease my milk supply and it might go away eventually but this is what I can do. I can't do all those things I think I should do. That was driving me crazy in the beginning. Who knows what might happen. Maybe it'll go on like this for a while, maybe he'll get stronger at sucking and my milk production will incrase and we won't need formula any more. Maybe my milk will dry up and formula will win out. I just need to be more accepting on what happens.

In the mean time, I'll just deal with the sore nipples after feeding, and the one cracked nipple, and my psyche of not completely accept the milk production situation.

Orion Yap's arrival

The contraction started on the morning of Feb 3. I thought it might just be those practice ones cuz I was worried that I won't know what it is when it comes. I did not feel my stomach "balling up" like the other's described. Mostly lower back pain, bad lower back pain. When it became pretty regular, we started tracking it at 9am. It was regular for 2 hours and we called the doctor ask him what to do. He says that we can head to the hospital and we did.

Checked in at the hospital and they say we were 5-6 cm dilated. Which was great news. So we opt to not take any drugs yet. Another four hours passes and we got to 8 cm dilated. But it stalled there. Wouldn't go any more and the water hasn't broke yet. So the doctor broke the water a bit after 6pm to hope it would speed up the contraction. It sorta didn't but got us to between 8-9 cm dilated. I just couldn't stand 9cm dilated any more. I asked for IV meds and after an hour or two that wans't enough (even though Noel thought I was still doing okay with pain management on my own) I begged for epidural and had a great anestheiologist and soon I was comfortable enough to stand the contractions. They they added pitocin and after an hour and half pitocin effect went in and contractions got closer. But the baby's heartrate didn't like it. It kept on dropping as the contraction got closer. After being at 9cm dilated for almost 6 hours, the water's been broken and all, the doctor decided it might be best to take the baby out via c-section. It's been a long process for all parties involved.

We went in to c-section after midnight. I was shaking uncontrolably in my upper body. had to ask Noel and the doctor to hold my hands down so i stop shaking. I don't know why but I just couldn't stop shaking. The baby came at Feb 4, 2007 1:33am. I didn't feel the pulling and tucking they said I might, but when he came out crying at the top of his lung was the most emotional moment I felt. I was so relieved that he was okay and out and screaming.

I was so tired so I felt asleep after the sugery.

Timer Popped Out!

Today the doctor's gave me a copy of my documents. He says to put in to the bag and take it with me to the hospital in case they don't have it. I feel like that's his way of saying you are done. You are all set to go have the baby come out of you. Like the timer on the turkey we use have just popped out and we can take the turkey out any time now. Like he's given me permission go to ahead and just let the baby come...

Still have to pack the stuff for the hospital...

Cottage Cheese

Just when I thought my stomach couldn't possibly stretch anymore, the human body amazes you by changing the texture of my lower stomach: to cottage cheese! It feels so weird....and I know it'll take a long time to get rid of it.

The plus side is the baby is moving a lot.

Getting Ride of Clutter

"Clutter is anything in our environment that doesn't add value to our lives or bring us join"

-Helen Buttigieg from "Neat" tv show

"It's Starting to Creep Me Out..."

Noel's felt baby's kicks here and there but he's never felt the baby moving around (rotating, etc) So last night when we were watching tv, I placed his hand on my stomach. I wasn't sure how much of the movement he would feel because sometimes I feel more from the inside then it's visible outside. Apparently it was enough for him to feel baby rotating around. But after a few moments, he said "it's starting to creep me out.." and removed his hand from my stomach. I told him that's how I feel all the time. I find his reaction amusing.

Our Minimalistic Christmas Decoration

I love it! So easy to put up. Provides a ton of entertainment. We anticipate how the wax melts and solidifies. Maybe we are just too simple :-)

So close....

As any partner of a pregnant woman know, the weight gain is a very sensitive topic. So the partner must choose his answers carefully like avoiding explosion in a huge land mine.

I put on the holiday dress I got a few of days before the holiday party to make sure I can still fit. I wasn't distress: I looked pregnant but not over weight.

However, on the day of the holiday party I did not feel the same. I felt bloated and that I look fat in the dress. I whined to Noel about it when we arrived at the party.

Jasmine: I look fat! :-(
Noel: No you don't. You look beautiful.
Jasmine: (Taking my coat off) but my arms look fat.
Noel: Well, maybe if you just cover them with your shawl..

So close....

Hiccups!

I think I felt the baby hiccup for the first time today. It's a very small rhythmical movement. It feels so weird.

There's this other baby movement that I can't figure out what he's doing. I know when he kicks (sometimes hard enough that I can see my stomach vibrate) and I know when he shifts and rotates in there, but there's this small localize movement that's NOT rhythmical and I just can't figure out what he's doing. My friend tells me the baby is probably fidgeting. I can't quite picture how a baby fidgets in there...

Finding Jeans

If you think finding a pair of flattering jeans is difficult when you are not pregnant, it's much much harder finding one when you are pregnant.

I think I must have tried on 8+ pair of jeans. It's comfort vs. flattering. I was rating each jeans at these two scales. This one is flattering but not comfortable. This other one is comfortable but not flattering. Finally I settled on one that's pretty comfortable and flattering. I hope it'll stay comfortable after a few months.

My friend just told me Old Navy has maternity cloths! I am definitely gonna check it out. These other places are so pricy.

The Day after Ultrasound

The baby moves/kicks more now.

I've been pretty gental on my stomach so far. However during the ultrasound the technician was pushing harder than I normally would on my stomach (not so hard that it hurts) to get the images he needs. I think until the ultrasound the baby only feels like he was in this big water void and he moves sometimes. Very gental movements. So the movements I felt until then was just small flutters. Like a small finger tapping. But after the ultrasound, the baby must learned that there are things beyond this big void he is in and he moves more to get an reaction or something. Like "hey, what's going on out there?!" The movements are so much more noticable that it takes me by surprise sometimes. He's definitely moving more too.

Ultrasound

Noel came with me to the ultrasound. The technician was nice. He smeared this gel thing all over my stomach and then went to work. It's just surreal that ultrasound can see so much. I read on the American Pregnancy Association that the baby should be 7 inches long now. The technician went to take all the important views the doctor needs. The head size, the heart beat, organs, spine and limbs. The baby's head was up and feet was down at the time. Finally he took a profile view for us to take home. First word out of Noel's mouth was "he looks like Casper".

I guess it finally hit me after this second ultrasound that I am actually having a baby. There's an actual being is growing inside of me. It still feel so surreal. Now I must face my current most fear enemy: the labor process.

Sneezing is a two hand effort now...

Sneezing has become a two hand effort ever since I got pregnant. Now I need one hand to cover my mouth and one hand to hold my stomach in. So when I am driving and I only have one free hand, I just don't get enough time to decide which one to do and sometimes it just doens't get to either one...

Best Uni I Ever Had

We finally tried the good japanese restaurant near us that we didn't know about: Sushi Tomi. We had the best Uni (sea urchin) we've ever had in our lives!! I am not exaggerating. I liked uni okay until recently. In fact, I was not as impressed by uni's taste as much as Noel. But after trying some good uni at Blue Ribbbon Sushi in NY, I was convinced that when it's good quality, it tastes good. This uni from Sushi Tomi was better then Blue Ribbon's Sushi's. It was so good that we ordered another one. I had to stop Noel from talking when I was eating the second one so I can devote all my senses to experience that good uni.

We even went back the second day hoping to get the uni as good but we were prepared because restaurant don't get deliveries on the weekend. So we were aware we can be getting the same uni but a day old....which turned out to be the case.

We just hope that this is not a singular experience and we'll be able to experience that great uni again.

Yes, I shouldn't have eaten it in the first place, but we've decided that not eating raw fish was too hard for me. I mean, I can resist when nobody else is ordering raw fish. But when Noel orders raw fish, I can't resist. Besides, it's more of a precaution then a known no-no like alcohol or cigarette. We never eat at second rate sushi places, so that should decrease the chance a lot...this was one thing I didn't think I could do without for 9+ months but now that we made a different decision, I think I'll fair a lot better. Some how restricting food makes me want it more...

Search continues for another perfect uni....

Advanture with Homemade Wonton

Okay, the wonton didn't turn out well. Mostly due to the wrong ingredient put in:

First of all, I got the bottles mixed up so I put in black vinager instead of soy sauce.

Secondly, due to not labling my spices, I am not sure if I added corn starch or cream of tartar. so when the cooked wonton didn't turn out a bit sticky which the corn starch is suppose to help do, I had my suspecion that I might have put in the wrong thing. I should have left it out like Daisy told me. Next time.

Noel was very nice told me that it didn't taste bad. I wanted it to taste awesome, not just okay...oh well, next time.

Visiting Taiwan

Some how visiting Taiwan this time felt very different. I was able to pay more attention to what interests me instead of following my mother's full schedule or translating for Noel. I still rather have Noel with me than anything but I realized without having to translate, I was able to pay more attention to details of places and things.

Day 1 (Wednesday)
Dad picked me up from the airport and took me to grandparents place. I called mom and told her the news, then I presented grandparents with the note in Japanese Noel wrote. I think it took grandpa a bit to realized what the note was saying and it still took a bit to sink in. Dad and I then went to hang out with third gugu on my father side (plus her husband and son) and then later hooked up with the da-gugu on my father side. The whole family went shopping for maternity cloths for me. I felt very awkward because I really do not enjoy shopping with other people. It felt too imposing on them. I only like imposing Noel and he's the only one that doesn't care too much about shopping, especially when he's tired. Dad drove me back to grandparents to sleep that night.

Day 2 (Thursday)
Grandma went out early in the morning and bought lots of things from the market. Now that I am pregnant has finally sink in, she's prepared to cook me a whole lot of food that's very nutritious. I explained to her that because I am pregnant my digestive system is not good; i.e. I digest very slow and cannot eat a lot. She did not understand what I told her. I explained it to grandpa hoping he can help me explain it to grandma and that didn't seem to help her understand either. The rest of the day was to battle her with food. In the evening we went to eat dinner with grandpa's oldest brother (who's not alive any more)'s children. Although they were not my ideal crowd to entertain with because they are all my elders, I did have a good time learning some family history and getting who's who straight.

Day 3 (Friday)
The minute I woke up I started looking forward to dad picking me up. It was just so hard dealing with grandma. I can deal with all other impositions that comes with staying with them except for the fact that she's forcing me to eat all the time!! I know Noel would say "just don't eat" but she gets offended and she gets mad. I could see her mental problem getting worse and worse because I did not eat as much as she wished. I think I woke father up when I called him. He finally rescued me around noon.

We drove down south with his friend and her sister. They were both very nice and kept on buying me things but not forcing me to eat! How refreshing! We took our time driving down and toured the rest stops which were like mini malls full of famous local products. We got to Tainan and dad checked me in to the best motel I've ever been. It was newly built and cost only about $50. It felt just a bit shy of a luxury hotel! So awesome. We went out to eat some famous southern stuff (coffin bread, some fish thing) and I was looking forward to a great night of sleep without having to worry about my grandparents next to me.

From 2006 August T...

Day 4 (Saturday)
I slept really late and we went to have lunch and met a classmate of my dad's and then headed toward HuaLian pretty late. Couldn't see much view because the day was dark already but was able to stop by to get some local Taiwan fruit which I do not know how to say it in English. The best I can do is tell you the fruit looks like the Buddha head.















At one point my stomach did not feel well and there was nothing along the highway. So dad stopped by a small police station and borrowed the bathroom for me. It's my first time going to a police station just for the bathroom.

We got to HuaLian after midnight and all the hotels were booked. We were able to find a private home renting rooms out and took refuge there.

Day 5 (Sunday)
We went to have the famous HuaLian wanton and it was sooooo good. The whole shop only sells one thing and everything about the wonton soup was great. It's good enough that I'll make effort to come back to Hualian for it.

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

We then went to my childhood nanny's Lee mama's place. I haven't seen her for over 17 years! I saw her before I left Taiwan but that was it. I am pretty amazed that we are still in touch. She welcomed us warmly and insist on cooking us meal. We wanted to get on our way so we have some day light to see the sights but was not able to. We reminisced some and ate her food and then finally left Hualian at around 3pm.

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

I had forgotten or never realized how beautiful the east coast of Taiwan is! I think it's more impressive then Highway 1 in CA. I definitely would love to bring Noel here. Although I find the coastal highway nerve racking.

From 2006 August T...

We took the short cut and went to the newly opened, longest tunnel in Asia back to Taipei, which was full of traffic. We entertained ourselves by joking a lot about the traffic. Dad found me a hotel near the shopping center that I wanted to be, which is also next to a subway station that has two subway lines.

Day 6 (Monday)
Dad picked me to around noon to get luggage from grandparents place. I knew it would be hard to leave the place without eating some of her cooking. She guilts me by telling me that she bought all that nutritious food for me and I don't eat it. So I stayed in hour or so to eat.

Met up with Lee mama's young son and second son in Taipei. It's been so long since I last saw them. I guess I don't really know how these "brother" are like any more now that they are adults. The third brother is a bit more aloof then I expected. I guess that explains why he's more in to asking me about updated photos then updated news. We went to visit second brother's house and I had a good time chatting with second brother's wife. She was very warm and friendly. I think she kinda rescued the two brothers. I guess it's awkward to get to know someone you knew so long ago.

Day 7 (Tuesday)
I went shopping by myself. It was what I liked the most. I cannot truly express what I like because these nice relatives (dad and aunts) keeps on buying things for me. Sometimes they are just too expensive so I don't look at them even though I would like to. This was my chance. I find most chinese sales people annoying because they feel the need to keep on talking as you look at things, as if they want to use all the time and chance they have to influence you to buy the item. Not giving you a chance to think on your own so you might change your mind about buying it. It's the biggest turn offs for me. And when you decide not to buy, they have the saddest look on their face as if maybe hiding those sad looks has never occur to them. More expensive shopping places don't do that to you.

It was great visiting Da-Ayi, grandma and shiau-Ayi, Jeffrey, Sharon and Jason. Jason is so adorable and he looks so much like Jeffrey. Da-ayi prepared a wonderful meal with the best fish I ever had. A lot of veggies and other healthy seafood too. We did not eat dinner with rice which was weird in a chinese household but I think it's just healthier for everybody. Chatted with Jeffrey a bit after he came home and he's still adjusting. He looks like a happy father. Spoke to Sharon about her pregnancy and raising an infant. She's a very nice lady.

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

Shiau-ayi took me to mother's second brother's home because grandma lives there. It was great to see second gio-ma, my cousins Daphne, Jay and his wife. I think Jay and wife were tired so they didn't not seem as excited but Daphne always has a lot of energy. She is going to do her master's degree part time which is great. At one point, while sitting next to me, grandma lift her butt cheek near me and farted loudly and then sat back down like as if nothing had happened. I had to stop myself from gasping at what just happened. I guess her generation just grew up with different etiquettes.

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

Day 8 (Wednesday)
I had lunch with Grandparents and some relatives including the taxi uncle and his kids. Well, two out of his three kids. My cousin shiau-gene completed his mandatory military service and is now working as an apprentice to a chef. His sister is still very petite has a boyfriend that she was too shy to tell me (her mother told me).

From 2006 August T...

I went to the old house in wan-hwa that grandparents used to live. Where I spent most of my younger school years because my elementary was just behind the house. I would go to grandma's after school and get some snack, do my homework and just hang out there until mom came home. I miss that place. It's all renovated now to a historical site and I am sad to see that grandparents house is no longer there but the grocery store in front of the house still has it's frame and the address number on a plate stating that.

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

From 2006 August T...

Dad picked me up and then we went to the Gee-Long harbor. It has a huge Goddess of Mercy at the temple which had a good view of the harbor. We then went to the famous Gee-Long night market and tried out some local eats. Dad got some famous pineapple cake and green bean cake for me to take back to Noel.
















We then went to visit great grandmother who's 97 now. Her health has deteriorated a bit after falling ill last year. She now goes through a period of sleeping for a couple of days and then awake for a couple of days. The day we went she was in a sleepy mode and tells us to leave her along. It was good seeing her though.

From 2006 August T...

We then went to visit Small-gugu's place and I could see that everybody was very proud of shiau uncle who just became a principle in elementary school. He's now the youngest principle in Taipei at age 41! All the gugu's were there to meet up. It's nice to have dad together with rest of them.

From 2006 August T...

Day 9 (Thursday)
I had afternoon tea with cousin Liang Huie, her husband and her son. I just realized she's only 6 years younger then mom but because she's in a different generation she calls mom auntie. It was nice catching up with her and meeting her husband. Her husband is very nice and he has many intriguing questions for me. Their son did not have such a good time because he was bored. I made a note to myself to always have something for the kid to do in the future. Let it be a drawing book or a reading book or something that can engage him.

I ended my last night in Taipei by having dinner with Second gio-gio and gio-ma and shiau-ayi and yi-tzan. It was so interesting meeting these elders now that I am an adult. I think it's the first time I see them all for a long time except for shiau-ayi who came to visit me last year. Shiau-yitzan gain respect for me and realized I am an adult from the aunt lily accident. I think that's because his English ability is pretty good (having an non-chinese son-in-law requires that). We had pleasant conversations together. I realized how amazing second gio-ma is. She's truly an amazing woman. I think second gio-gio still sees me as a child and his lectures are still the same.

From 2006 August T...

Day 10 (Friday)
Dad drop me to the airport but not without stopping by the famous soy milk place to get me some breakfast. It's always sad to say goodbyes. I saw in dad's eye that he was a bit scared and but mostly excited for me to become a parent myself.

From 2006 August T...

The flight back wasn't so bad. It was a short flight to Manila and then the long wait at the airport but that did not bother me because I was so excited I'll see my husband again soon. The flight from Manila to SFO was decent because nobody sat in the middle of the three seats so we were not as cramped.

Overall I did not get enough of the chinese treats. I still miss it when I came back. Oh well, next time...