Vivi's first doctor's visit

We could not get an appointment two weeks from when Vivi is born so we could only get it on 10th day of birth. She was back to 7lb 9oz. So I am not so worry about not feeding her enough. I might put her to my boobs more often and maybe not do as much formula. Still, whenever she roots frantically I just feel bad and want to give her more food than I can give.

I've increase the fenugreek to 4 capsules a meal hoping it would help. Will increase to 5 per meal tomorrow to see... Still drinking soup/liquid like there's no tomorrow and going to pee a lot. Took a nap today and think that really helped with milk production. Maybe should sleep more. But I won't be able to do that soon when I have to take care of both kids myself.

Gave Vivi her first bath at home tonight (2/19) and started putting lotion on her dry skin like doctor said.

one week old today

We went to Maternity Connect to weight/feed/weight her yesterday. My body seem to be producing a bit shy of one ounce per three hours. Which is not enough for the baby but twice what I was producing in three hour period at the hospital.

I tried what some of the mom said where you just don't do formula but put the baby to your breast so it continuously stimulate and lets your brain know you want it to produce more milk. I did that from 2pm until about midnight. I really don't think this is a viable method. If it was, why wouldn't I just pump my breast every hour for 12 hours straight. Or better yet, just continuously hook on the pump for x amount of hours straight? I feel like the only thing this exercise accomplished was teaching Vivi how to fall asleep using my boobs as pacifier.

Plus we are reading the baby better this time. Maybe not with the Dunstan baby language (at least for me) but from her actions. We know how she is when she is not hungry anymore. She is awake a little and does her diaper business and then sits contently for a while before feeling tired. Then Noel is able to put her down while still awake and she fusses a little and falls asleep on her own! At one week old that's better than some of the older kids I know that still needs their mother's boob as pacifier. Most importantly she's a much happier baby and rest better when she is content with food. When I just put her to my boob constantly, she's just hungry. She doesn't have good awake time and doesn't sleep well. I don't see how she can grow well if she doesn't sleep well.

I am not saying I do not use my boob as a pacifier, I do that at night when I am tired and need to sleep. Maybe that's why I am not feeling as exhausted as I did last time. Or maybe it's just catching on to me now. It's been one week and I am starting to feel exhausted.

Noel is trying to get some good rest too and while I wish he was more helpful so I can get more rest, he needs rest to get his mind in good place when he goes back for the performance tracking thing. I suppose the worst thing that could happen if I don't get enough sleep is I don't produce milk. But the worst thing that could happen if Noel doesn't get enough rest is that we will have no income.

One week down, many more weeks to go!

Co-exisiting

I am glad Orion seem to be handling the new baby well. I am glad we trained him well enough, or maybe he just has a good personality that he doesn't get upset or clingy when he sees me holding the baby girl. I am glad he has his own life (school, routine) and now Noel is home spending time with him. I am _most_ glad that they don't seem to wake each other. When the baby is crying at night next to Orion's room, it doesn't wake Orion up. And when Orion is being a little bit loud, the baby sleeps through. Although the true testament would be when Orion is on his full blown tantrum and I am home alone with both kids.

Nursing issue

The baby's bilirubin level was high so the pediatrician order light therapy for her. Not the same light therapy that O had (where you can put it on his tummy and wrap him up in it. We can still hold him that way) This is where she goes in the incubator and has three different lights on her. The know-it-all and other nurse says she needs to take more food to flushing out the excess bilirubin so they need to supplement her with formula (since my milk supply either has not come in yet or is low) We were basically nursing her and then giving her formula.

It was hard to feed her, comfort her and change her in the incubator but eventually got the hang of it. However, the comforting her part was still hard. She does settle herself down (from content state to sleep) in the incubator when she's had enough to eat and has a clean diaper on.

Now we are not gonna have the mini ready-to-eat bottles for formula that hospital was supplying us after we get home. So I was not crazy about mixing formula and cleaning bottle part. Plus I remember how easy it was just to nurse and go. But we have a problem now. Her appetite is already larger than what my milk supply. She does not seem satisfied after nursing. And as I look at my milk, I can see it trickling down slowly. Last time we pumped at the hospital after three hour was only 15ml. I wonder how much she's getting now.

Someone told me that I should just put her to my breast as much as possible (22 out of 24 hours if needed). How else is my brain suppose to get the message that my body needs to produce more milk. However, this is not what most lactation experts said. They just don't recommend nursing less than two hours each time or else its not affective. I gave it a try anyway. on 2/13 I basically had her to my boob from 2pm until about midnight constantly. Maybe just have her off long enough to go to the bathroom (which I am peeing a lot) or eat. My breasts were hurting by the end of the night. I don't know if my body can handle that and I really do question it's effectiveness again.

Plus I feel like the only thing that we are accomplishing is to train her to fall asleep, using my boob as a pacifier.

The chinese moms from Orion's play group are taking turns cooking me soup and food. It's really nice of them but I feel really terrible about the whole thing. I really don't know how I am going to repay this enormous amount of kindness.

Want to go to Maternity connect for weight/feed/weight later.

The next few days

Orion came to visit that afternoon. Noel went to pick him up and he came and we spent time as family of four for a little bit. Since it wasn't too long (between dinner and bed time) it was not too much pressure about what to do with him. It was good that he visited.

Next day the whole Kerlee family came visit and brought Orion. The following day Orion did not come because it got too late with the whole start of pumping and such. Mandy told Noel that Orion was crying under his cover that night and his pillow was wet. When we asked Orion he said he wasn't and he was only sweating from being hot. I am not sure which one's story to believe. That made me feel really bad. Because until then I've kinda swapped out one baby for another and was not thinking/worrying about Orion much. I felt so guilty that I neglected my Orion.

On the day of the check out, Noel picked Orion up nice and early and we spent time as a family at the hospital waiting for Vivi's test result to come back to see if her bilirubin level is good enough to go home. Really not crazy about the nurse with know-it-all attitude at the Ped unit but overall experience at the hospital was nice.

Going home. Let the chaos begin...

2/8/2011

Baby girl was born on 2/8/2010 8:48am. 7lb 10oz 19.5in.

We went in for the c-section at 6:30am. Didn't think she would make it to the c-section day which was 7 days before due day, because her brother came 10 days early. I actually started having some contractions when we were signing different documents. As we got ready, I got more and more nervous. Even though this is a "repeat" c-section, the last one was so blurry that I do not remember much of it. Last one was done after 18 hours of labor and 12+ hours in the hospital. So I was just so tired and exhausted during c-section. I did remember some pushing and shoving but mostly just the throwing up and passing out after the baby was born.

Dr Rosenberg was really nice and supportive. Held my hands when the anesthesiologist was giving me the injection. They lied me down and my legs started to go numb. They were just waiting until I can't feel anymore and then got started pretty quickly. Noel came to join me at that time. I didn't realize he was taking picture from out side of the door and glad he did. He asked to stand up to see more of the operation than just the part about taking the baby out. The doctor ok'ed it and he observed most of it. There were a lot of pulling, tugging and shoving. Phil said the whole c-section reminded him of a dog being really rough with the chew toy. They told Noel when they were about to take the baby out and Noel filmed that part.

We stayed at the recovery room a little longer than usual (maybe an hour more) so the nurse could make sure I wasn't bleeding unusually or have clots forming.

Having a scheduled c-section is the weirdest thing. It's like having your life change forever scheduled.

On the day of the surgery

The surgery was set for Tuesday 9/20/2010. I was suppose to fast all day on monday. Not just 24 hours before the surgery, but all day Monday as I was told. When the doctor's office found out I had eaten monday morning, they wanted me to get these laxatives and clean out my system. Let's just say for the rest of monday was not very pleasant for me and I needed to stay near a bathroom.

Tuesday we go to the hospital bright and early. Noel was gonna drop me off at the hospital and take Orion to his pre-school. I figure it would be nice for him to stay with Orion at the school and see what he does there so maybe he can just come back after school is finished and my surgery is done. But there were some pre-op issues that made me really nervous and I realized I need my husband next to me. So he left O in school and came back to me.

I got a bit panic when the nurse wanted me to sign this form to make sure what surgery I am here for. The forms said "removal of the cysts in the ovaries VS removal of the ovaries". Well, it used more medical terms but I can't recall right now. I freaked out because I did not remember agreeing to the specialist removing my ovaries. If I need to part with my ovaries, I need to have a lot of time to prepare that. I did not have that time.

Well, the nurse sense that I might change my mind and cancel the whole surgery so she went and called the doctor. I think the doctor asked me "what do you want me to do if your ovaries would not stop bleeding?" He later on made me understand that when you operate an organ, removal of the organ is on the clause (unless it's effects the survival of the person like the heart) so they don't need to have you bleed to death. With that understanding, I felt a little better but when signing the paper, still feel like I am signing to have my ovaries removed. All I can hope now is when I wake up, I still have them.

Most pre-ops were finished and they wheeled me in to the OR and I said goodbye to my husband. Everybody was ready at the operating room. A couple of familiar faces because they came to say hi to me at the pre-op place. They gave me oxygen and started IV on me and I was gone pretty soon.

.........

Waking up at the post-op was weird. Very groggy and someone was helping me with ice for my dry throat and answering my questions "how's the baby?" "Do I still have my ovaries?" When I was awake enough, they moved me from post-op to recovery room and Noel and O were on route to follow me. I was still really tired and wanted to rest so Noel took O home to nap. They were gonna try to visit me again tonight before the visitor's hour is over.

I was so looking forward to uninterrupted (by O) rest at the hospital. But I really just got segments of sleep because the nurse needed to check on things and give me medicines. I didn't care any more. I just want to rest and get better.

Found out we need laparoscopic surgery during my pregnancy

When I went for ultrasound at my 14th week of pregnancy to do some genetic testing, they found two pretty large cysts in my ovaries. The ultrasound technician asked me if I have been taking infertility hormones because that would be one case where he seems women's cysts being stimulated. They were large enough size for doctors to be alarm. The smaller one was 8x6x6cm and the larger one was 16x8x8cm. Normally they are consider large when it's bigger than 6-8cm.

They sent the ultrasound to my regular OB. He called me and told me that during my first child's c-section, the operating doctor had seen some smaller size cyst in the ovary but he was not concern because normally they go away after the pregnancy ends. I guess there was a previous history but I was just not informed.

My OB sent me to see a specialist and I went for another ultrasound. This time to take a look at the cysts better so they can assess whether to do a "draining" method or do laparoscopic surgery to remove the cysts. Draining is where they just stick a needle in to the cyst and drain the liquid out (the cysts are mostly filled with liquid) and they might take care of the cyst later at the c-section or such. But there were too many inner walls in the cyst that the technician is not sure he can do a good job of draining most of it to decrease the size enough to be a safe level.

Plus the specialist is a surgeon and he admit he's more comfortable if he can see what's going on (which is with small camera in to me). He believe the cyst is probably benign due to my age but what if it wasn't? Then the "bad stuff" could start to spread with the puncture hole in the ovary. All evidence point to surgery might be the best option. The surgery is best done during second trimester so the baby is stable enough and there are still enough room to operate.

So we got a date in my 19th week of pregnancy and we are all set to go...

I am still pissed

Usually I feel much better after a nap. But this time I am still pissed.

We went on a playdate at friend A's house. Friend A has two toy cars (fancy cozy coup with trunk and all) in the backyard that most kids don't have. When the kids went outside, it was all kids favorite. Kid A and kid B got to one car and were sharing it, kid C got to the second car.

Now I spend a lot of time teaching my child to play nice. "Don't take something that someone else is playing", "wait for your turn", "ask nicely" etc. And I mean A LOT of effort. I do not know another mother that drives that point across more than I do.

Well, I do the same again here. I try to divert my child's attention to other toys and was specially animated and making other things seem more fun. Child C's mother was at the backyard at the time and and I was hoping that she would maybe step in and ask her child to let my child have a try since my child was waiting very patiently (for a three year old). But after a long, long time, nothing was done. My son finally asked when does he get to have a turn. So I spoke up for him and hoped that maybe either cars can be freed up for him to try. Well, child A and child B have been sharing the first car and taking turns between themselves. Child C's mother steps in and ask child C to let my son have a turn because they knew each other relatively well. Child C was going along with the request until he realized he had to give up the car at which point he melted down and held on to the door and tried to go back in to the car (with my child already in there). My child felt threaten so he pushed child C away. At which point, child C's mother that was standing next to her child (which was also next to the car) tells my child not to push her child (C). Instead of working on her child's tantrum problem, she's telling my son not to do something that's just a natural defense.

So my child had a turn of the car for 5 minutes and the WHOLE time child C is next to the car whining and crying. I gave my child a 5 minute warning that it's gonna be someone else's turn and child C hears it and continues to whine. Now, there was another child in the backyard that's been waiting patiently (child E) and I was impressed because he's normally not as patient. Child E's mother was not at the backyard advocating for his turn so I feel obligated to help him, reward him for being patient. So I mention to child C's mother that perhaps she can prepare child C so he knows when my child gets off the car, it's going to be child E's turn. Child C's mother proceeds to tell me that this was really child C's (because he saw and got on the car first, not because it's his property) and child C was just being nice (whining the whole time is nice? not by my book) to my child for letting my child have a turn. She was not happy to hear that her child (C) was not going back on the car.

She then told her child that they have to go home because he can't go back on yet, that he's tired and then she started to pull him to the door so now child C cries and whines even more which got all the chatting mothers' attention. Now everybody rushed to try to help comfort him and make him content. Child C got to go back in the car and the mothers tells child C's mother that he's fine now and don't be mad and let's go chat; Kids will figure things out for themselves.

For the rest of the play date, child C continued to sit in "his" car and while child A and child B kept on taking turns between themselves on that other car. My child waited patiently and he doesn't get to go on any car again because no other mother cared. All they care was there was no crying or whining from the kids in the backyard.

My child tried to content himself with other things in the backyard but he would still often look at the cars with longing eyes wondering when would be his turn again. I feel so bad for him that I told him it's time to go. When he got inside he asked to play with the toys inside. Of course I let him but the unfairness to him was eating me up inside that I had to go speak with my husband. I step just right outside of the door to make a quick phone call. When I came back, I caught my child looking out at the backyard with those longing eyes again. That just broke my heart.

My child was being nice and patient and he gets screwed over while other children screams and yells and get their way. How do I teach him good when the world is full of contrary?

I felt like a failure as a mother today.

Election Day 2008

I am against prop 8 and I am just amazed at how many ignorant people are out there voting to pass it. What made me tear up is seeing a clip of this couple loading their babies in to the car and saying how they don't want their kids to be taught gay marriage is normal. You know why it hit a sensitive spot? Because ever since I had the baby, see how this fragile being grow from nothing into a remarkable child, makes me appreciate all living things more. How can someone that had children not respect all life the same and still be so prejudice? Words cannot express the anguish I feel inside...

Orion's first time in the pool

It also hit 100 degrees last week (two days), so we took Orion to the pool for the first time. It was lots fun. He has so little body fat (he's 10 percentile in weight), he started shivering. I took him out of the water and he kept on pointing to his friends in the water indicating he wants to go back in. So I took him back in and held him close to my body instead of holding on to the baby donut he was sitting in hoping it would keep him warmer.

That didn't work and he continued to be cold and started shivering more. When he tried to make some sound or say something, he would stutter because his body was shaking. I was so busy laughing but eventually decided I need to take him in and put him under warm running water to warm him up.

Later on husband told me that he was like that when he was young. He didn't have much body fat either and could never stay in the water more then 30-45 minutes or else he gets too cold. Orion's just like a typical kid, isn't he? Rather stay and play and ignoring whatever discomfort he's experiencing.

Remembering names

I am not one of those people that's really good at remembering people's name naturally. It's something that I had to work hard on. Now my peers are starting to have kids, and I find it harder to have to remember the kids name too. I am not talking about those friends and their kids I see often. I am talking about those acquaintance that you don't see often and had already tried hard to remember their partner's name and now i have to remember their kids names too.

I married a closet trekkie!

We are watching Star Trek The Next Generation and they were talking about "Class M planet." So I asked a rhetorical question: "What the heck is a class M planet anyway?" To my surprise my husband actually answered. I turned and look at him and realized that I had married a closet trekkie!

He started recording Next Generation because he wants to catch the episodes he missed but because it's on dvr, I started watching it too. I used to watch Next Generation when I was younger but not religiously and apparently I only know fraction of the episodes shown. But now he's getting me addicted with it being on the dvr. As if there aren't enough trekkies in the world he's making me in to one too?! :-) I do enjoy it because it has a lot of moral/ethical questions. They are just all disguised in a futuristic science fiction stories.

First Trip to New York with Baby

We couldn't have chosen a better place to stay on this first ever trip with the baby. We are staying at the Hampton Inn in Chelsea (24th street near 6th ave). The BuyBuyBaby store is just two short blocks away! Plus I found a post natal support group also two blocks away that I can weight Orion to make sure he's gaining weight. There's also the wholefood market one block away. A bookstore that's also two blocks away. Granted I can't go there to relax the destress that easily now that Orion's in the picture but he was good to take a nap and let me have that opportunity today. And the gym Mark managers is also just 15 minutes walk away.

I am just loving this whole living in the center of the city thing. Home is no more then 20 minutes away and most of the time it's just 10 minutes. Unlike the commute we used to have to queens that's usually more then an hour away. Althought now that I am knitting massively, might not be a bad thing. But still, it would have been nearly impossible if not extremely difficult with the stroller. I would love to live at this location perminently but we'll have to "hit the lotto" before that ever happens...

Why I haven't been posting

The reason is because...I am trying to organize my blogs. I had different blogs for knitting, life, and other stuff. when the blogger finally had label, it was great hope for me to not have to ma intent different blogs for the sake of organization. However, i am still trying to figure out how to move the posts from the other blogs to the main one. And because I haven't been able to do that, I am reluctant to blog more because i don't want the new posts be separated from the previous ones that I am not able to move to the main blog.

*sigh* Does all these make sense? Am I the only person that has this problem?

Looked at the tv

I know we need to cut down tv watching because the baby looked at the tv during his quite time today. His "quite time" consist of him eating his own hand and thinking deeply. He was lying on me and then he looked at the direction of the tv (because he sees me looking at it all the time!)

His first laugh

Noel heard the baby's first laugh on 4/11/07. He hasn't repeat it much, probably only once more, but it was worth noting. He's been smiling for a while now (which means a week or two) but laughing that was first.

First Two Weeks with the Baby

The first week or two seem like a blur. They also felt like forever. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.

I put so much pressure on myself on the things that should happen in order to be a good mother. Everybody's encouraging words promises that the full milk will come in and when it doesn't it's very frustrating and upsetting. My mind just kept on spinning trying to find out why isn't the milk coming. I try to drink and eat everything that anybody says would help the milk and still the milk just trickles in slowly at plus or minus few cc.

I feel bad that I did not have the decipline to always do pumping after breastfeeding the baby. So instead of doing breastfeed/supplementing/pumping, I decided doing all three isn't something I can manage by myself without someone else's help. So we just did pumping/bottle feed breast milk and formula. But then I started to dread pumping. It's not enjoyable at all. This thought seem selfish but I must enjoy feed and interact with the baby then pumping. Some people says the fact that the baby's eating is the most important thing and having a happy mother is more important then having breast milk. I am sure the La Leche League people disagree.

Eventually I told myself and other that I just accept that I am not able to produce more milk for the baby. However, I do question myself if that's true since each time I breastfeed it's kind of like a little failure notice for me. I am not doing the pumping I should after breastfeeding to incrase the milk supply and in fact I am not putting the baby to breast as long as all say I should to stimulate it either. But I am starting to like the philosophy that why shouldn't I do things I enjoy?

I am still trying to drink lots of liquid and I have to admist that I haven't been takeing the fenugreek as religiously. I think part of me was toying with the idea of stop the whole milk production thing cuz each time it's like a failure reminder. Also the whole breast hurting thing was starting to get annoying. The nipples feel sort after feeding and if not fed enough the breast gets full and uncomfortable (like through out the night when I don't breastfeed).

I think right now I do not mind a bit of hurt to get the baby the bit of breastmilk I can produce. It does have some good stuff for him and as long as I think of it as a good appetizer, I think I can do it. The cracked right nipple doesn't help though... And that baby falls asleep because he can't get much milk out of it doesn't help either....I wish he would suck harder and make more milk...

This whole parenting thing is so hard....Plus it's like Noel said, this doesn't feel real yet. It might not feel real until they are 18. This feels like we are baby sitting. Just facing one day at the time.

I miss the single life I had in New York...I miss it so much...

But I do love him. I just wish I know how to help him with his discomfort better. I just wish I knew him better. I am a bit scared of him. I don't know him as well as Noel. Noel's great with him. But Noel has to go back to work.

Baby's first doctor check and

The baby is gaining weight nicely, even though I am not producing enough milk to satisfy him or meet his needs. He weighted 7lb 11 oz at the doctor. Three lbs more then his birth weight.

Still trying to find a balance feeding him at home. I decided that I couldn't do pumping anymore. I just dread it too much. I can still breastfeed him and follow by bottle feeding. This might decrease my milk supply and it might go away eventually but this is what I can do. I can't do all those things I think I should do. That was driving me crazy in the beginning. Who knows what might happen. Maybe it'll go on like this for a while, maybe he'll get stronger at sucking and my milk production will incrase and we won't need formula any more. Maybe my milk will dry up and formula will win out. I just need to be more accepting on what happens.

In the mean time, I'll just deal with the sore nipples after feeding, and the one cracked nipple, and my psyche of not completely accept the milk production situation.

Orion Yap's arrival

The contraction started on the morning of Feb 3. I thought it might just be those practice ones cuz I was worried that I won't know what it is when it comes. I did not feel my stomach "balling up" like the other's described. Mostly lower back pain, bad lower back pain. When it became pretty regular, we started tracking it at 9am. It was regular for 2 hours and we called the doctor ask him what to do. He says that we can head to the hospital and we did.

Checked in at the hospital and they say we were 5-6 cm dilated. Which was great news. So we opt to not take any drugs yet. Another four hours passes and we got to 8 cm dilated. But it stalled there. Wouldn't go any more and the water hasn't broke yet. So the doctor broke the water a bit after 6pm to hope it would speed up the contraction. It sorta didn't but got us to between 8-9 cm dilated. I just couldn't stand 9cm dilated any more. I asked for IV meds and after an hour or two that wans't enough (even though Noel thought I was still doing okay with pain management on my own) I begged for epidural and had a great anestheiologist and soon I was comfortable enough to stand the contractions. They they added pitocin and after an hour and half pitocin effect went in and contractions got closer. But the baby's heartrate didn't like it. It kept on dropping as the contraction got closer. After being at 9cm dilated for almost 6 hours, the water's been broken and all, the doctor decided it might be best to take the baby out via c-section. It's been a long process for all parties involved.

We went in to c-section after midnight. I was shaking uncontrolably in my upper body. had to ask Noel and the doctor to hold my hands down so i stop shaking. I don't know why but I just couldn't stop shaking. The baby came at Feb 4, 2007 1:33am. I didn't feel the pulling and tucking they said I might, but when he came out crying at the top of his lung was the most emotional moment I felt. I was so relieved that he was okay and out and screaming.

I was so tired so I felt asleep after the sugery.