Saturday, September 03, 2011

"So people will laugh at me?"

After one of the session of the summer swimming class Orion took, Orion had to urinate so we went to the bathroom.  Since he took off his swimming trunk already, I figure we might as well take off his swimming shirt too and get him out of the wet stuff.   He did not realize we were going to put his bath robe (which is quite big) on for the ride home and thought I meant for him to walk out naked.  So when I ask him to get out of his wet cloths he asked "So people will laugh at me?"  I told him "silly no, you will put on your bath robe on!" and we all laugh and all was well.

But after thinking about it, it daunt on me that he was feeling shame about going out naked in public.  We had always told him that it's not polite to do that but he learned from somewhere else that it's "bad" to do that.  This same boy a year ago walked around Mission district of SF with underwear and legwarmers on his legs because he had an accident and those were all I had.  My boy has lost his innocence!  He has taken a bite of the apple in the Eden.  I guess it makes me a little sad.  My boy is growing up too fast....

The feeling in the beginning

When we first had Orion, we labored very long hours and ended up c-section in the end. We were beyond exhausted during the c-section and so maybe the exhaustion made us more emotional but I remember the minute I heard Orion's cry, I cried too and felt like overwhelming love I had for another being that I never felt.

That was the initial feeling. Then we settled back home and try to keep this being alive (still in awe that the people at the hospital let us take this being home!!). It was hardest few weeks of my life. In fact the first 5 weeks seem a blur. I was so stressed from trying to produce enough milk for him and frustrated that I did not and had to supplement with formula and wondering how I could manage to take care of him all by myself when Noel goes back to work. So the first few weeks, we did not feel like parents. It felt like we were on hell's baby sitting gig and wondering when his real parents will come and take him back. It definitely took a while to developed a deeper feeling with him.

With Vivi? I think these initial weeks with the same task over and over (feeding, changing, cuddling, etc), I don't feel like her mother yet. I just feel like she's the baby that takes away my time with my son. But as we get to know her...i think she's starting to grow on me. She's starting to not feel just like someone that takes my time away from my son.

I know I am being too wordy on this post but it's late and I am really tired....

Gonna get some rest before getting up to feed the baby again.