Monday, August 29, 2005
Organizing things. Make my living space orderly. Makes me feel peaceful
Good cup of hot chocolate (City Bakery, Jacques Torres)
Petunia and Lily. Petunia pushing up against your body when she sleeps. Lily roaming into neighbor's yard and barks at her. Petunia running in circles
Beautiful day in the city. Central Park. Any little piece of undiscovered quiet heaven
Learn a new thing/idea
Cook a good meal for people to enjoy
How I feel ->after<- exercise
Experience my favorite opera
Good cup of tea in a pieceful corner
Good japanese food (presentation, quality, etc)
Getting hair washed by professional (especially Ali from Astor Place)
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Yes, it connects to cable router without problem. Yes, it boots up very fast compare to Noel's dinasour computer. But it keeps on freeze for unknown reason!
It also came with many "spam" program installed to lure you in to their services. We spent some time uninstalling programs we know we would not use (aol, etc). There were so many other programs that we weren't sure if it's junk program so we left it for now.
I mentioned that this makes me want to get an apple computer. We know that apple will not have a these spam/junk programs. Noel thinks the world is very messed up that we need to pay to not get garbage. I agreed with him. But it also makes sense because while we pay less for pc, they still want the $$. So since they are not getting it from the consumer, they get it from the spam/junk company that are willing to pay them, at the consumer's expense.
*sigh* There's still the need to transfer the photos from my computer. I was looking forward to Noel's new computer for that....I hope it's more promising tonight. Just need to get it on CD....
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
It's feel like I will be out of a job in two weeks but I did that to myelf. And what's more, I am essentially putting my life in Noel's hand.
But I must not think that way. It's a new start. I will have time to re-evaulate. To go back to work or to learn a new trade. Start a new career where I wake up every day looking forward to it.
I will experience what it feels like to be away from home for the first time. Every bird has to leave the nest and try to flight on their own. It's my turn now. With Noel's help. Maybe this will help me appreciate mother more. Respect and love her more.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Saw an old lady sweeping the street in chinatown yesterday. She was using one of those homemade dust-pan. It's a cut out of some old clorox bottle or something like it. A wood stick nailed to it. Something about the whole picture so adoring. This little old lady in the middle of the biggest city living like she would anywhere where resource is scares.
Monday, August 15, 2005
I can't help feeling that I am giving this up because I can't take it. "I don't like it" seems to feel like "I can't handle it". Are they the same? Maybe one dislike something because they can't take it?
It was good visiting Judy and Oscar. They will always be a role models for me. Love Zachory and Nicholas. If my kids can turn out to be remotely close to them, i would be blessed.
Need to copy the photos from computer before computer goes!! Maybe I should do it tonight.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Am I too conditioned to want the glamorous things in life. Now I realizing it's not owning many things that makes me happy but it's organizing and using the many things I own will ultimately make me happy.
Or will it?
Why do I feel that using and organizing things will make me happy? Because I will then own these things not the other way around? Is that really liberating or is it me following the "shoulds"?
I like things cleaned and organized, but do I really like cleaning and organizing it? I do find it satisfying cleaning things and place. It's instant gratifying in some ways. But if I need to do that all the time, will the instant gratificate fate? Are we only attracted to do things we don't get to do and anything we do too much will become a chore? Maybe that's not true because Noel loves doing what he does.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Financial independent is something I've been taught my whole life to sought after because my predecessors fought so hard to get it. Just look at the articles on the times today about wife beating in africa that's still acceptable. They do not have much rights or independence.
Accepting this option is giving up my independence. I should make best use of this time but go back to some what independent after. The society conditioned me feel to guilty wanting to be a homemaker. It makes me feel like I am not living my life to the fullest.
I made so much wrong assumptions in the recent years. I lived my life on so much "should"s. How did I turn in to that? Maybe I was always like that. The "should"s got stronger because I gain more confidence. At certain point I stop doing pulse checks on myself and became obnoxious and unbearable.
Poor Noel. Tried his best to put up but eventually broke. Instead of helping Jason with things he's not doing so well (keeping track of status of project), I just sit there, surfing the web and complain that he should have been keeping track of the project.
I am thankful Noel say that I will be his support system out there. That means a lot to me. That will allow me to straighten our our personal lifes and posession. Maybe I can make him fall in love with me again.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
What happened to my "can do" attitude? I had that for
the longest time when I first started working out two
years ago. That's what helped me kept up with
constant running and improve on it. That's why help
me kept on going to different classes and try to excel
each time I go. I would ask myself "why I am doing
this?" and the answer would be "because I can!".
Because I know one day I won't be able to even if I
But these days I just lost it. I can't conjure up
that feeling, that conviction. Not just gym, but a
lot of aspect of my life. I just feel tired. Don't
know if it's mentally or physically tired. Maybe
What's wrong with me?
So anxious about the new life in California. Nervous
and scared too...
I am thankful for the pasta with clam sauce, garlic and olive oil Domenick made for lunch. I got lucky because Joyce is on vacation but I am thankful. I felt so special.
I am thankful for having my health so I can takeMark's classes today.
I am thankful for Paisley's yoga class yesterday. Mybosy feels great afterwards
Friday, August 05, 2005
Mark, Petunia and Lily, nights out with the boys
Makiyo, Met Opera
My new kitchen
My sunny house on the quiet street
My favorite sitting spot in the bedroom
My backyard for line drying cloth on sunny day
My favorite restaurants
Soho, Tribeca, indie films
Tourist, yes, tourist too
I am sure I tried telling you this but it's probably too complicated and confusing. That's why I think writing it down might convey the idea better.
I spent a lot of time in our relationship trying to make you in to a person I want you to be. The reason I did that is because I did not realized what I needed to do was working on making me to a person I want to be. A person where I can be happy and do things that are meaningful for me.
Let me emphasis the "I did not realized what I was doing" part. It took me a lot of thinking to figure that out. Neither of us realized it. Plus I've always been measuring you the way I measure myself and it's not right because you are a different person. That also too me too long to realized.
Coming to these realizations is a huge break through for me. It will enables me to deal with the root of the problem. The level of my unhappiness is also part of what make me think hard and deep in to issue, situation and myself. I think if I tackle my life and focus on doing things that I will make my life meaningful, I can be less demanding on your performance. That will give you a more tolerable environment for you to improve yourself. Having you help me remind me that you just don't see same things I see will also help remind me our level of observation and learn are not the same but still trying to improve.
This is why I think we can work on ourselves together. Because we will give each other enough room but still not facing the road alone.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
I am having hard time concerntrating at work. Partly because I am not doing interesting work right now. Gary would have had the project setup and gave me direction on which way I should ramp up. Partly because I have so much none work stuff I want to do.
I want to clean up clutters at home. After cleaning up, I want to organize whatever left. I want to clean the whole house. I want to cook good dishes and have them ready when Noel gets home. I want to bake good desserts and fill the house up with great smell (I know it's hot, but I don't like spending money on things I can make myself). I want to water the new grass. I want to do laundry and line dry them on sunny days. I want to do the filings I haven't done for over half a year. I want to read the books that are waiting for me. I want to make progress on my knitting projects. I want to do all these chores so Noel and I have time to enjoy each other's company when we are together. Instead we try to do them when we get home and most of the time I am too tired (physically or mentally) to do them.
That's why I get in bad moods I dont' mean to because I always have to choose between doing what I need to do and what I want to do. If I have enough time to do both, I would not feel bad sacrificing doing what I want to for what I need to, or feeling guilty not doing what I need to for what I want to.
What he did that made me happy:
He remembered to take out the recycling! He surprised me. Since he got home just minutes before I ask him to pick me up. We went straight to Lost when we got home, I didn't think he got any chance to do it. I was all disappointed that we'll have to wait another week to get the recyclings out (and the bins in the house were completely full). But I saw the bins outside as I saw him off and too a quick glance at the bins in side which was surprisingly empty. Don't know when he did it but it made me happy that he did not forget it.
He filled up Listerine and q-tips. Yes, I noticed.
He emailed me today to let me know he was busy and will call before he leaves work.
I wanted to get my hair washed by someone because I love being pampered like that. Didn't really want to go to chinatown because not sure which one I should go. Wanted to go to Ali but wasn't sure if it's okay with him to just wash and blow dry hair. I convinced myself that he would be okay with it. Why wouldn't he?
I told him in a very vague way that I don't need a haircut (I want to grow my hair long) and when he signals for a trim (half an inch) I did not complain. The main thing is for his hands to touch my hair/head. He has amazing hands and I am willing to compromise to get that.
The hair washing did not last long. No massage really. I got disappointed. Did I give up having scissor near my hair for nothing? But it's too late to change my mind. Maybe he'll do head massaging with conditioning. There's still hope. A minute later I knew there was no hope. Oh well.
He proceeds to trim my hair. And trim is all he did. So I was not too nervous. He dries my hair roughly (thought he would blow dry it) and gave me tips on how I should shampoo twice and wash every other day (I don't know if I can do that). But the freshly cut hair ends feel nice. Then he puts some hair oils and as he was putting it in my hair, he must have realized he wasn't going to get any more customers (no one was waiting next to us), so he did what I've been longing for him to do: he massaged my head. Oh my. My memory of how his hand touches my head did not get better over time (although he got better looking in my memory), it's just as good as I remmebered. I had to remember not to start moaning. I don't know if it's the size of his hand or just how his hands touches every inch of my head, it just feel like heaven. I wanted that to go on forever and ever...
I think he ended up charging me as much as the guy before me, $13. I gave him $10 for the tip. I don't think that's too much for a little taste of heaven, no?
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
I've been to many tea places in the city. Almost all the well known ones in the city. While I am trying to figure out how come I don't visit one particularly more often, I realized none of them gave me a hide away peaceful feeling I need.
The new Cha-An japanese tea place in the East Village is a nice find. Their price is a bit above average. But I find it too rigid feeling. It's nice and clean and simple. But the whole place just makes feel like I need to sit up straight and watch my matters. Takashimaya is has great tea selection and the teabox is really cool too. But it's too busy feeling. I like T-Salon in Chelsea. It's the only place that makes me feel like I can order a cup of tea and throw my bag down and just hide in the corner and read. However they close way too early. It's clearly design for rich women who don't work to stop by between shoppings. Tea and Sympathy is too small to provide the feeling of hiding away in the corner. Teaspot in village is too college feeling. I think the only place that makes me feel like I can hide away in the corner and unwind is that knitting place on Bedford on Soho. But it doesn't feel right to go there and not knit.
I finally realized I am searching for a tea place that give me the same feeling as Marquet on 12th street. It just feel like a small slice of Paris you can hide away from the world and unwind.
Went there last night. The place is not the same any more. They now serve dinner. The price is on the high side. Perhaps one day I will give it a try. I am feeling negative because adjusting to change is hard. I was searching for the familiar and it's no longer that. At least not the dinner setting.
I tried their Bread Pudding banana flambe. At first it looked really good. Very decadent. I think I was satisfied after three bites. It had way too much sugar. I finished my coffee faster then I ever did because how sugary it was. The "bread" pudding must have been made of crossant. It looked much more complex bread then smooth textured bread and tasted buttery too. It was topped by maple syrup and power sugar plus some strawberries and banana. I didn't get the feeling they "flambe"ed the banana because it was fresh.
I really should have stopped after three bits when I was satisfied. I need to stop eating what they feed me and eat what satisfies me.
The seat by the window was still nice. Since it's still located at a quiet corner (much much quieter then crowds at union square), I think it's still an option to go and order a coffee. But the search for quiet place will continue. Although I have a feeling I might never find the place. At least not at this town. This town is all about making money. Having a nice (cost money) and quiet (doesn't make enough money) is just not a good business model. I might be more fruitful creating my own place then searching for one.