Thursday, August 11, 2005

Random thoughts

I am grateful that Noel is the breadwinner of the house which allows me the option of exploring the color of my parachute, without losing benefits of the corporate world like health insurance. But I will be financially depended.

Financial independent is something I've been taught my whole life to sought after because my predecessors fought so hard to get it. Just look at the articles on the times today about wife beating in africa that's still acceptable. They do not have much rights or independence.

Accepting this option is giving up my independence. I should make best use of this time but go back to some what independent after. The society conditioned me feel to guilty wanting to be a homemaker. It makes me feel like I am not living my life to the fullest.

I made so much wrong assumptions in the recent years. I lived my life on so much "should"s. How did I turn in to that? Maybe I was always like that. The "should"s got stronger because I gain more confidence. At certain point I stop doing pulse checks on myself and became obnoxious and unbearable.

Poor Noel. Tried his best to put up but eventually broke. Instead of helping Jason with things he's not doing so well (keeping track of status of project), I just sit there, surfing the web and complain that he should have been keeping track of the project.

I am thankful Noel say that I will be his support system out there. That means a lot to me. That will allow me to straighten our our personal lifes and posession. Maybe I can make him fall in love with me again.

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