First Two Weeks with the Baby

The first week or two seem like a blur. They also felt like forever. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.

I put so much pressure on myself on the things that should happen in order to be a good mother. Everybody's encouraging words promises that the full milk will come in and when it doesn't it's very frustrating and upsetting. My mind just kept on spinning trying to find out why isn't the milk coming. I try to drink and eat everything that anybody says would help the milk and still the milk just trickles in slowly at plus or minus few cc.

I feel bad that I did not have the decipline to always do pumping after breastfeeding the baby. So instead of doing breastfeed/supplementing/pumping, I decided doing all three isn't something I can manage by myself without someone else's help. So we just did pumping/bottle feed breast milk and formula. But then I started to dread pumping. It's not enjoyable at all. This thought seem selfish but I must enjoy feed and interact with the baby then pumping. Some people says the fact that the baby's eating is the most important thing and having a happy mother is more important then having breast milk. I am sure the La Leche League people disagree.

Eventually I told myself and other that I just accept that I am not able to produce more milk for the baby. However, I do question myself if that's true since each time I breastfeed it's kind of like a little failure notice for me. I am not doing the pumping I should after breastfeeding to incrase the milk supply and in fact I am not putting the baby to breast as long as all say I should to stimulate it either. But I am starting to like the philosophy that why shouldn't I do things I enjoy?

I am still trying to drink lots of liquid and I have to admist that I haven't been takeing the fenugreek as religiously. I think part of me was toying with the idea of stop the whole milk production thing cuz each time it's like a failure reminder. Also the whole breast hurting thing was starting to get annoying. The nipples feel sort after feeding and if not fed enough the breast gets full and uncomfortable (like through out the night when I don't breastfeed).

I think right now I do not mind a bit of hurt to get the baby the bit of breastmilk I can produce. It does have some good stuff for him and as long as I think of it as a good appetizer, I think I can do it. The cracked right nipple doesn't help though... And that baby falls asleep because he can't get much milk out of it doesn't help either....I wish he would suck harder and make more milk...

This whole parenting thing is so hard....Plus it's like Noel said, this doesn't feel real yet. It might not feel real until they are 18. This feels like we are baby sitting. Just facing one day at the time.

I miss the single life I had in New York...I miss it so much...

But I do love him. I just wish I know how to help him with his discomfort better. I just wish I knew him better. I am a bit scared of him. I don't know him as well as Noel. Noel's great with him. But Noel has to go back to work.

Baby's first doctor check and

The baby is gaining weight nicely, even though I am not producing enough milk to satisfy him or meet his needs. He weighted 7lb 11 oz at the doctor. Three lbs more then his birth weight.

Still trying to find a balance feeding him at home. I decided that I couldn't do pumping anymore. I just dread it too much. I can still breastfeed him and follow by bottle feeding. This might decrease my milk supply and it might go away eventually but this is what I can do. I can't do all those things I think I should do. That was driving me crazy in the beginning. Who knows what might happen. Maybe it'll go on like this for a while, maybe he'll get stronger at sucking and my milk production will incrase and we won't need formula any more. Maybe my milk will dry up and formula will win out. I just need to be more accepting on what happens.

In the mean time, I'll just deal with the sore nipples after feeding, and the one cracked nipple, and my psyche of not completely accept the milk production situation.

Orion Yap's arrival

The contraction started on the morning of Feb 3. I thought it might just be those practice ones cuz I was worried that I won't know what it is when it comes. I did not feel my stomach "balling up" like the other's described. Mostly lower back pain, bad lower back pain. When it became pretty regular, we started tracking it at 9am. It was regular for 2 hours and we called the doctor ask him what to do. He says that we can head to the hospital and we did.

Checked in at the hospital and they say we were 5-6 cm dilated. Which was great news. So we opt to not take any drugs yet. Another four hours passes and we got to 8 cm dilated. But it stalled there. Wouldn't go any more and the water hasn't broke yet. So the doctor broke the water a bit after 6pm to hope it would speed up the contraction. It sorta didn't but got us to between 8-9 cm dilated. I just couldn't stand 9cm dilated any more. I asked for IV meds and after an hour or two that wans't enough (even though Noel thought I was still doing okay with pain management on my own) I begged for epidural and had a great anestheiologist and soon I was comfortable enough to stand the contractions. They they added pitocin and after an hour and half pitocin effect went in and contractions got closer. But the baby's heartrate didn't like it. It kept on dropping as the contraction got closer. After being at 9cm dilated for almost 6 hours, the water's been broken and all, the doctor decided it might be best to take the baby out via c-section. It's been a long process for all parties involved.

We went in to c-section after midnight. I was shaking uncontrolably in my upper body. had to ask Noel and the doctor to hold my hands down so i stop shaking. I don't know why but I just couldn't stop shaking. The baby came at Feb 4, 2007 1:33am. I didn't feel the pulling and tucking they said I might, but when he came out crying at the top of his lung was the most emotional moment I felt. I was so relieved that he was okay and out and screaming.

I was so tired so I felt asleep after the sugery.