The first week or two seem like a blur. They also felt like forever. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.
I put so much pressure on myself on the things that should happen in order to be a good mother. Everybody's encouraging words promises that the full milk will come in and when it doesn't it's very frustrating and upsetting. My mind just kept on spinning trying to find out why isn't the milk coming. I try to drink and eat everything that anybody says would help the milk and still the milk just trickles in slowly at plus or minus few cc.
I feel bad that I did not have the decipline to always do pumping after breastfeeding the baby. So instead of doing breastfeed/supplementing/pumping, I decided doing all three isn't something I can manage by myself without someone else's help. So we just did pumping/bottle feed breast milk and formula. But then I started to dread pumping. It's not enjoyable at all. This thought seem selfish but I must enjoy feed and interact with the baby then pumping. Some people says the fact that the baby's eating is the most important thing and having a happy mother is more important then having breast milk. I am sure the La Leche League people disagree.
Eventually I told myself and other that I just accept that I am not able to produce more milk for the baby. However, I do question myself if that's true since each time I breastfeed it's kind of like a little failure notice for me. I am not doing the pumping I should after breastfeeding to incrase the milk supply and in fact I am not putting the baby to breast as long as all say I should to stimulate it either. But I am starting to like the philosophy that why shouldn't I do things I enjoy?
I am still trying to drink lots of liquid and I have to admist that I haven't been takeing the fenugreek as religiously. I think part of me was toying with the idea of stop the whole milk production thing cuz each time it's like a failure reminder. Also the whole breast hurting thing was starting to get annoying. The nipples feel sort after feeding and if not fed enough the breast gets full and uncomfortable (like through out the night when I don't breastfeed).
I think right now I do not mind a bit of hurt to get the baby the bit of breastmilk I can produce. It does have some good stuff for him and as long as I think of it as a good appetizer, I think I can do it. The cracked right nipple doesn't help though... And that baby falls asleep because he can't get much milk out of it doesn't help either....I wish he would suck harder and make more milk...
This whole parenting thing is so hard....Plus it's like Noel said, this doesn't feel real yet. It might not feel real until they are 18. This feels like we are baby sitting. Just facing one day at the time.
I miss the single life I had in New York...I miss it so much...
But I do love him. I just wish I know how to help him with his discomfort better. I just wish I knew him better. I am a bit scared of him. I don't know him as well as Noel. Noel's great with him. But Noel has to go back to work.